A date? Sure, just let me throw up first...

While anxiety and panic have always been with me, there are only specific times in my life where I remember it really being an issue.  There are a few times from my early childhood that I still remember - being in a crowded restaurant with my family, in a crowded gym during my brothers' band performances when the lights were going to be turned off, an entire summer when I was 8 when I thought I was going to die - these are the moments that really stick out in my memory, although, I'm sure there were others that I have forgotten with pleasure.

When I was 16 or 17, I had my first "real" boyfriend.  Real in the sense that we actually went out on dates and the relationship lasted for more than a week.  I was always so nervous before seeing him, and was usually pretty nervous during our dates too.  I always avoided food when I was around him because I was so worried that I would end up throwing up in front of him.  The good news is that over the 6 or so months that we were together, I lost quite a bit of weight - the bad news being, how are you supposed to have a relationship with someone that you can't be around when eating?

My next relationship was a couple of years later, during my first year in college.  Most first year college students worry about gaining weight...well, not me.  I probably lost 15 pounds.  I started to make a habit out of throwing up before he would come to pick me up.  I figured if I threw up ahead of time and tried to avoid eating during our date, I shouldn't have to worry about throwing up while I was with him.  Pretty ridiculous, huh?  Well, besides that, it really was a horrible relationship.  We were complete opposites spiritually, and there was really no way it was going to turn into anything long term.  A horrible relationship, but completely necessary for my growth as a person, and to help me understand what I needed and wanted in a relationship.  It was a good thing that relationship ended when it did.  The next week, I met the man that would be my husband.  On our first date we went out to eat.  Guess what?  I had no problem eating my dinner.  He was, and still is the man of my dreams; my soulmate.  Maybe my anxiousness in my previous relationships were just my body's way of telling me that I hadn't found the right guy yet. :)

Panic First, Think Later

As long as I can remember, anxiety and panic have been a part of my life.  I was only four years old when I couldn't catch my breath on the octopus ride at Great America.  Ever since that moment (as I started to turn purple and gave my mom an even bigger panic attack) I have had a tendency to panic.  I'm not sure exactly where it comes from, this tendency.  I think much of it probably is hereditary.  My mom and her sisters have made an official family mantra: "Panic First, Think Later".  This comes from not being able to get a hold of someone on the phone and always assuming the worst.  For example, if I don't hear my phone ring when my mom calls, her mind automatically has me not only dead in a ditch somewhere, but also killed by an axe murderer.  After we realize that the person is in fact perfectly fine, then comes the realization that the panic and over-worrying was actually kind of silly.  The really interesting part of this is that it's not just my mom and her 5 sisters that have this tendency, but also me and most of, if not all of, my female cousins.

I can't speak for the rest of my family, but the panic that I feel in that moment when I'm sure the worst has happened to one of my loved ones may seem silly after the fact, but in that moment of panic it feels completely valid.  I find this happens a lot when I panic or feel anxious.  When my heart rate speeds up and I start feeling that all-over cold feeling that signals an attack, there's no doubt in my mind that my feelings are real, but after the fact when I have calmed down and I'm once again in my happy place, I think about how there was no reason to be so fearful.  I am perfectly safe, I wasn't going to die, that lump in my throat was just my imagination, everyone is fine.  I think about these after-the-fact moments a lot now when I start to panic.  Sometimes it actually helps :)  

Am I Crazy??....Maybe...

Well, here I am!  I was saying my prayers yesterday and aIl of a sudden, I felt a calling to share my experiences of anxiety and panic disorder.  Who am I to ignore a calling?  So, I have absolutely no idea if anyone else will ever read this besides myself, but I must do what I feel God is calling me to do.  I have found over the years that sharing my experiences with others who also deal with anxiousness and panic is a kind of therapy.  When you're an anxious person, it really helps to know that there is someone out there with your same experiences and symptoms, someone to tell you "nope!  you're not as crazy as you think!" :)  So...if anyone with fear and panic is out there reading this, my hopes are that the sharing of my fears and feelings will help you in some way, shape, or form.  Welcome :)