A few of my favorite things...

While sharing my experiences with anxiety is good for me, and the idea that it -may- help others is encouraging, there actually are other thoughts/things happening in my life that would be nice to share.  Plus, if I -do- have any actual readers out there, it would be nice if I didn't bore them to pieces with panic talk!

So...on this lovely February afternoon, I thought I would list a few of my favorite things, in no particular order, that I may end up talking about from time to time on this blog...

- Cooking
- Baking
- Gardening
- Housekeeping
- Parenting
- Reading
- Country life
- My husband
- My children
- My family
- God/My faith
- Sunshine, fresh air, and flowers

I'd like to begin with sharing a recipe that I discovered the other day.  While searching for a good granola bar recipe, I stumbled across the smitten kitchen blog.  I haven't tried the great-looking recipe for granola bars that I found yet (still waiting to go to the store to grab a couple ingredients), but I also found this lovely whole wheat apple muffin recipe that had been adapted from a King Arthur Flour recipe.  My son had a friend coming over after school, so I thought it would be a great time to try them.  I ended up making a few adjustments to the recipe (I have a habit of doing that often!), which (I think) makes them a little easier to put together and doesn't require getting out the big mixer.  They turned out fabulous!  So fabulous, in fact, that my kids begged me to make another batch the next day.  They're packed full of wonderful flavor - warm cinnamon, sweet and tart apple, and delicious and moist buttermilk cake.

I tried to upload a picture, but my upload function isn't working quite right.  If you would like to see a few gorgeous pictures, head on over to the smitten kitchen blog - they're a lot better looking than my pictures would have been anyway(!)

Whole Wheat Apple Muffins
recipe adapted from Smitten Kitchen Blog's adaptation a of King Arthur Flour recipe

1 cup white whole wheat flour (Bob's Red Mill or King Arthur)
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 tbsp ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp fine salt
1/2 cup unrefined (raw) sugar (could also use real maple syrup or brown rice syrup)
1/2 cup brown sugar, packed, divided
1/2 cup butter (1 stick) melted and slightly cooled
1 large egg
1 cup buttermilk
1 tsp pure vanilla extract
1 large granny smith apple, peeled and cubed

Preheat oven to 450 degrees.
In a large bowl combine flours, baking powder and soda, cinnamon, salt, raw sugar, and 1/4 cup of brown sugar.  In a small bowl, lightly beat egg and add buttermilk.  Add wet ingredients to dry and stir to combine (batter will be very thick).  Add melted butter and vanilla and stir to combine.  Finally, fold in cubed apple.  Line a12-cup muffin tin with paper liners, or grease and flour cups.  Drop the batter evenly into 12 cups and sprinkle remaining 1/4 cup of brown sugar on the top of each muffin.
Bake for 10 minutes at 450 degrees, then reduce the heat to 400 degrees, baking the muffins 5 to10 minutes longer, until a toothpick inserted in the center of a muffin comes out clean.   Cool the muffins in the pan for a few minutes, then place them on a cooling rack to cool completely.

That's the most difficult part for me - letting them cool!  These are so delicious and they're not _too_ bad for you, so it's okay that I just ate two, right?  Enjoy! :-)

Beta Blockers are a Girl's Best Friend

Around the time I was a sophomore in college, I noticed my heart would start racing for no apparent reason, along with an occasional palpitation.  I had a blood test done and we found out that I was slightly hyperthyroid (my thyroid stimulating hormone was slightly low causing my thyroid gland to produce more hormone than it should).  While this seemed to help my metabolism, it was quite a bother.  My heart would start to race or palpitate, and in turn would give me a panic attack.  I'm not sure if they work hand in hand, but I've started to notice a correlation between when I'm hormonal and when I am most anxious.  I went to see an Endocrinologist (whom I continue to see presently) and while my TSH wasn't at a level that would require treatment of the thyroid gland itself, we could treat my symptoms of racing heart and palpitations with a beta blocker, which I could take on an "as needed" basis.  Also known as the stage fright drug, it has helped me immensely in the past years.  I did have to stop taking it during my three pregnancies, but in those moments when my heart starts to race and I begin to get those feelings of panic, it has been a big help.  I don't like to take it regularly as I'm not a fan of putting chemicals in my body so I usually wait until I know I need it.

The correlation between hormones and feelings of panic have been a focus of mine over the past couple of years.  I often notice my heart racing more and having increasing feelings of anxiousness around specific times in my monthly cycle.  If anyone is out there, have any of you noticed this in your lives?  If you haven't noticed, I would suggest to try keeping track for a couple months to see if you notice any kind of correlation.  I find that my anxiousness is a little easier to control when I can understand what is going on with my body.

A date? Sure, just let me throw up first...

While anxiety and panic have always been with me, there are only specific times in my life where I remember it really being an issue.  There are a few times from my early childhood that I still remember - being in a crowded restaurant with my family, in a crowded gym during my brothers' band performances when the lights were going to be turned off, an entire summer when I was 8 when I thought I was going to die - these are the moments that really stick out in my memory, although, I'm sure there were others that I have forgotten with pleasure.

When I was 16 or 17, I had my first "real" boyfriend.  Real in the sense that we actually went out on dates and the relationship lasted for more than a week.  I was always so nervous before seeing him, and was usually pretty nervous during our dates too.  I always avoided food when I was around him because I was so worried that I would end up throwing up in front of him.  The good news is that over the 6 or so months that we were together, I lost quite a bit of weight - the bad news being, how are you supposed to have a relationship with someone that you can't be around when eating?

My next relationship was a couple of years later, during my first year in college.  Most first year college students worry about gaining weight...well, not me.  I probably lost 15 pounds.  I started to make a habit out of throwing up before he would come to pick me up.  I figured if I threw up ahead of time and tried to avoid eating during our date, I shouldn't have to worry about throwing up while I was with him.  Pretty ridiculous, huh?  Well, besides that, it really was a horrible relationship.  We were complete opposites spiritually, and there was really no way it was going to turn into anything long term.  A horrible relationship, but completely necessary for my growth as a person, and to help me understand what I needed and wanted in a relationship.  It was a good thing that relationship ended when it did.  The next week, I met the man that would be my husband.  On our first date we went out to eat.  Guess what?  I had no problem eating my dinner.  He was, and still is the man of my dreams; my soulmate.  Maybe my anxiousness in my previous relationships were just my body's way of telling me that I hadn't found the right guy yet. :)

Panic First, Think Later

As long as I can remember, anxiety and panic have been a part of my life.  I was only four years old when I couldn't catch my breath on the octopus ride at Great America.  Ever since that moment (as I started to turn purple and gave my mom an even bigger panic attack) I have had a tendency to panic.  I'm not sure exactly where it comes from, this tendency.  I think much of it probably is hereditary.  My mom and her sisters have made an official family mantra: "Panic First, Think Later".  This comes from not being able to get a hold of someone on the phone and always assuming the worst.  For example, if I don't hear my phone ring when my mom calls, her mind automatically has me not only dead in a ditch somewhere, but also killed by an axe murderer.  After we realize that the person is in fact perfectly fine, then comes the realization that the panic and over-worrying was actually kind of silly.  The really interesting part of this is that it's not just my mom and her 5 sisters that have this tendency, but also me and most of, if not all of, my female cousins.

I can't speak for the rest of my family, but the panic that I feel in that moment when I'm sure the worst has happened to one of my loved ones may seem silly after the fact, but in that moment of panic it feels completely valid.  I find this happens a lot when I panic or feel anxious.  When my heart rate speeds up and I start feeling that all-over cold feeling that signals an attack, there's no doubt in my mind that my feelings are real, but after the fact when I have calmed down and I'm once again in my happy place, I think about how there was no reason to be so fearful.  I am perfectly safe, I wasn't going to die, that lump in my throat was just my imagination, everyone is fine.  I think about these after-the-fact moments a lot now when I start to panic.  Sometimes it actually helps :)  

Am I Crazy??....Maybe...

Well, here I am!  I was saying my prayers yesterday and aIl of a sudden, I felt a calling to share my experiences of anxiety and panic disorder.  Who am I to ignore a calling?  So, I have absolutely no idea if anyone else will ever read this besides myself, but I must do what I feel God is calling me to do.  I have found over the years that sharing my experiences with others who also deal with anxiousness and panic is a kind of therapy.  When you're an anxious person, it really helps to know that there is someone out there with your same experiences and symptoms, someone to tell you "nope!  you're not as crazy as you think!" :)  So...if anyone with fear and panic is out there reading this, my hopes are that the sharing of my fears and feelings will help you in some way, shape, or form.  Welcome :)